Somfeone I Know is Polyamorous: What Does That Mean?
Social Situations

1) Do polyamorous people socialise always with all their partners? What if I just want to invite my friend to do something with me?

Generally, poly people tend to be less tied into the 'socialising as a relationship grouping' thing than monogamous couples can be. However, there are a couple of things to be cautious of.

The first has to do with someone who has multiple primary partners (marriage or long-term relationship type commitments, particularly if they live together) In this case, it'd be a bit rude to only invite one partner and not the other(s) to an event where you would normally be inviting spouses, regardless of how well you knew the spouse. (See question 4 for some ways if there really *are* reasons you have trouble simply inviting all of them). If you're only inviting people you know fairly well yourself, then you can go ahead and continue that. A good way to deal with this is to talk to your friend before issuing the formal invitation, and ask what they'd prefer.

Second, most poly people are pretty heavily scheduled. You'll probably have better luck doing things with your friend if you talk to them about how to arrange to get together. Even if they just know you'd like to do something a week from Thursday, but you don't know what yet, that can help them manage their time. Likewise, if they regularly don't make scheduled plans on some day, it might be useful to know that, as a time you could call up and arrange something. Depending on the person, last minute plans might work - but they might not. If you rely on last minute "Wanna get together calls" as the only way to spend time together, you may find it hard to find time when you're both free.

2) I'm having a party. Who do I invite, if I don't want to offend my polyamorous friend. Do I need to invite their other partner whom I've not yet met?

This depends on who else you're inviting, in large part. If you are inviting spouses or dates of friends who you don't know well, then you should seriously consider inviting any primary partners of your friend. If you are not inviting people you don't know well regardless of how close they are to your friends, then you shouldn't feel obliged to invite poly partners you don't know well/at all.

However, you might want to consider setting up a time (coffee, a movie, whatever works in your social circle) to meet your friend's new partner.

3) If I don't like my friend's other partner, do I need to invite them to social events?

See above - it's rude to exclude someone if they would be included in a monogamous setting. (And in most monogamous circles, if you invite spouses, you invite them even if you don't care for them.) However, not everyone holds social events where that's something that happens, so it may not be a problem for you.

4) I'm getting married (or some other formal social occasion). I have very conservative family, and I don't want the focus of this gathering to be on my friend's relationship style. Is there any way I can invite my friend, but but not both of my friend's primary partners without being offensive? (Alternatively, I'm hosting a formal occasion, and I have limits on how many people I can invite)

This is a tricky situation. One good way to handle it seems to be to talk to the person in the poly relationship who you're closest to, and see what they're comfortable with. That might mean they may not be comfortable attending - but they might also be willing to compromise, and attend with one partner or by themselves, and divert questions about their personal lives. Be aware, though, that asking them not to talk about their personal lives at such an event *is* a big favor to ask, and treat it as such.

However, you may find your friend is willing to do this for you. Likewise, maybe one of their partners would feel uncomfortable there, or had other plans for that day already. You won't know until you ask.

Likewise, if you have serious limits on the number of people you can invite, and want variety in your guests, you might also do the same sort of thing - talk to the people involved before issuing the formal invitation, explain the situation.

In both of these cases, I would consider it a very useful sign of good faith to at the same time you're making it clear that there are restrictions on the current invitation, that you'd like to see your friend and friend's partners at some point (Dinner, movie, whatever). This underlines the fact that you don't consider them pariahs or are unaware of their importance to each other, but are simply trying to find a way to navigate rocky waters.

What's most rude is to exclude someone in a way that makes it look like you don't understand the commitments in their relationship, or that because it's not a standard way to do relationships, that those commitments aren't valid. I think it's a lot better to talk about specific concerns, because that way, you can make it clear that you do consider them a social unit, and respect their relationship.

5) My friend has a long distance partner visiting, and my friend has said that they can't get together with me while their partner is here. I know my friend wants to spend time with this person, but I want to spend time with my friend, too, and meet their partner, and I'm feeling left out.

That's understandable - but a lot of times, there are limitations on the visits of the long-distance partner. If the person they're visiting can't get much time off work, or has other obligations, even in a 10 day visit, they may not be getting all that much time with each other. And if they only see each other every 6 months or so - that time becomes very precious indeed.

Add into that the fact that a lot of people don't do very well with large groups of 'new' people (i.e. your friend's partner meeting lots of new people), and it can get even more complex to juggle. The best way to do this is to talk to your friend, explain that you'd really like to meet their partner, but that you understand that their time may already be promised to other places.

If you explain that you'd really like to meet their partner and that it doesn't need to be a big deal (stopping by for twenty minutes before you need to be somewhere else, going on an outing in the area with them, offering help with something they were planning on doing anyway) they may be able to figure out a way for you to meet their partner. The earlier you do this in the time before the visit, the better - more time allows for better negotiation.

Being understanding, however, is the best way to get what you want - demanding time of your friend and your friend's partner can create tension and discomfort which can keep being problems down the road.

In this, I think it really depends a lot on the individual situation and people. I don't think you should feel obliged to invite a secondary partner to a formal party or other event where you'd only be inviting friends and their spouses or the equivalent. On the other hand, you shouldn't not invite a secondary partner just because they're a secondary partner to someone.

The real trick is that secondary partners don't (for what are probably obvious reasons) have a good counterpart in the monogamous world. Most people who are in obviously secondary relationships are in them because that's what works for them for various reasons right now, and they understand that it sometimes means compromises.

However, do be aware that if you're inviting someone who has regular date nights with others, it would be considerate to make sure you're not unduly taking away all their date nights with a given partner in a short span of time. (i.e. if they always do dates on Thursdays, and you can manage not to schedule things you want to do with that friend on Thursdays all the time, that would be considerate. Or else be understanding when your friend can't always come...)

7) My friend is a secondary to someone who has other partners, including at least one primary partner. I don't know their partner very well, but I'm having the kind of social event where I'd normally invite someone and their spouse or date. How should I handle this?

Probably the best way is to ask your friend before issuing formal invitations - explain the situation, and ask how they'd like to handle it, so you can address the invitations correctly. (There's a good etiquette excuse for this, actually, and it's very good practice, since you're never supposed to say "And guest" on invites, but rather contact each person where you're not sure who they'd invite, and check first)

They can then tell you whether it'd be easier for them to come alone, or if they'd like to bring their partner, or whatever.

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Last edited October 18, 2001