Someone I know is polyamorous: What does that mean?

Hi. This document is meant as a partial guide to all those people who aren't polyamorous themselves, but know someone who is, but who are also sort of confused about what that means, and what it means when it comes to social plans, holidays, definitions of 'family' and everything else.

Note: [January 2004]: This set of pages is also high on my list of things to update or decide to remove from the site. If you find them useful, please let me know (and let me know if you have any other questions that might fit here.) Material may be updated, especially the last section.

Warning:: This is just my own opinion. The poly people you know may react differently. If in doubt, talking to them is your best guide.

This is not a guide to the basics of what polyamory is and isn't (though the first section of this guide does cover some of that material, the main polyamory FAQs, which can be found at http://www.polyamory.org do a much better job of that aspect). This guide is meant for those questions that come after - what does this mean to our friendship? Why did they tell me? What does this mean to social invitations?

This can't be a document that provides all the answers. This document is just meant to give you some more background, and to answer some questions. Many places in here, you'll see "Go ask the person themselves what they want." That's sometimes hard and scary - but it'll get you the best answer for that specific situation. This guide is meant to help you figure out the most useful questions to ask, and background on why some issues might be problematic.

Throughout this document, I use 'friend' - but you can easily change the word to 'colleague' or 'child' or whatever else seems to apply. It's meant as 'someone you know who has told you they're polyamorous'. I also tend to use 'partner' here, as a generic term for 'relationship partner', sometimes qualified by other terms. I use gendered pronouns sometimes, but feel free to insert different pronouns if you'd prefer. They're just meant as examples of issues.

This document is divided into a number of different pages, to keep the length reasonably manageable.

Basic concepts and thoughts:

1. What is polyamory exactly? My friend/child/colleague said they're polyamorous, and that this isn't cheating, but I don't really understand how that can be.
2. Are polyamorous relationships less intimate than monogamous relationships are, because the person is spreading their attention thinner?
3. What about health issues? How do people handle those?
4. What about children? This can't be a good situation for them, can it?
5. It sounds to me like this is all about getting more sex. I don't approve of people breaking vows with their spouse for that. That's cheating, isn't it?
6. So how is having a close friendship different from having a polyamorous relationship where there's not much physical intimacy going on?
7. I've been doing some reading about this, and keep coming across a lot of other groups that keep being mentioned. What do people mean when they say Pagan, or BDSM or gaming? Do all poly people do these things?
8. I've seen people reacting poorly to the use of the word 'lifestyle' to describe what they do. Why is that?

Kinds of Relationships:

1. What type of terms are used to describe relationships? What kinds of different relationships are there?
2. What kind of living situations might there be? Do polyamorous people live with all their partners?
3. I hear about open and closed relationships. What does that really mean?

Why Did They Tell Me?

1. This is my friend's private life. Why did they need to tell me something that made me reevaluate everything I know about them?
2. I really don't think this can work. How can I stay friends with my friend if I think they're heading for trouble and sin and pain?
3. Why didn't they tell me sooner? My friend's just told me that they've been thinking about poly stuff for many months, and if I'd known, I would have said something about it. Why didn't they tell me when they first started thinking about this?
4. What sort of reactions do people get to telling others that they're polyamorous?
5. Ok. So they told me. I don't know what to say now.
6. I've heard all those horror stories about polygamous marriages and how abused the women are. How can someone want to do something like that?

Social Situations:

1. Do polyamorous people socialise always with all their partners? What if I just want to invite my friend to do something with me?
2. I'm having a party. Who do I invite, if I don't want to offend my polyamorous friend. Do I need to invite their other partner who I've not yet met?
3. If I don't like my friend's other partner, do I need to invite them to social events?
4. I'm getting married (or some other formal social occaision). I have very conservative family, and I don't want the focus of this gathering to be on my friend's relationship style. Is there any way I can invite my friend, but but not both of my friend's primary partners without being offensive? (Alternatively, I'm hosting a formal occaision, and I have limits on how many people I can invite)
5. My friend has a long distance partner visiting, and my friend has said that they can't get together with me while their partner is here. I know my friend wants to spend time with this person, but I want to spend time with my friend, too, and meet their partner, and I'm feeling left out.
6. My friend has a secondary partner or two. You've talked about treating primary partners like you'd treat someone's date or spouse, but how about secondary partners?
7. My friend is a secondary to someone who has other partners, including at least one primary partner. I don't know their partner very well, but I'm having the kind of social event where I'd normally invite someone and their spouse or date. My friend has no other romantic partners.How should I handle this?

Serious Situations:

1. My friend had a bad breakup due to a polyamorous relationship. Now they want to get involved in another poly situation. How can I tell my friend that this is a bad idea?
2. I just heard that my friend's partner is in the hospital. Are there things I should be aware of about this situation?
3. My friend's partner has died. What can I do to be helpful?

Propositions:

1. I've been approached by someone who asked if I'd like to be involved with them. They're polyamorous. I'm not interested in that. How do I say no without making them feel offended?
2. I've been approached by a polyamorous friend, and asked if I'd like to be involved with them. What sort of things should I be thinking before I make a decision to try this?
3. I know someone who says they're poly. They won't have sex with me. Aren't all poly people willing to have sex with whoever?
4. Someone I know says that one person can't possibly satisfy all of his needs in a relationship, and that being polyamorous is more evolved. That sounds to me like excuses for not wanting to commit to one person, and it sounds like he's saying that polyamory is better than monogamy. Should I be offended, or is there something I'm missing here?

Ethics:

1. My friend has been saying that he/she is polyamorous. However, I ran into my friend and their spouse the other day, and my friend ignored his other partner, who was also there. Is my friend cheating? Should I do something about this?
2. My friend has told me about their agreements with their partners. I was in a situation where I saw a partner of theirs doing something I know is not something my friend has agreed to. What should I do?

Other Resources:

1. Where can I go to read more about polyamory?
2. What about online groups to read?
3. Where can I find people who've had successful polyamorous relationships?
4. What do you think the biggest mistakes people can make in a polyamorous relationship are?