A dangerous misconception


I just read yet another 'be careful, polyamory can get you hurt' rant.

These happen. They usually come from someone who's tried a polyamorous relationship, and then had it not work, usually in painful and unhappy sorts of ways.

It's perfectly reasonable - and understandable - that people should feel hurt. I'm not arguing about their hurt, but rather about a statement - and an associated assumption which many of these post-breakup warnings make.

What's the statement?

That one can get hurt in poly relationships. Therefore one should be very careful.

Um. Yes. That's true.

What's wrong with this, you ask? Where's the assumption?

The assumption, you see, is that you *don't* get hurt in monogamous relationships. That simply being involved with one other person removes you from a whole set of problems involved in relating to other people.

Which is, the moment you think about it, silly.

Polyamory adds more people to the equation. This makes it more complicated, certainly. But you're still working with people. You still have all the concerns and problems involved with relating to people.

So .. why is polyamory necessarily at greater risk of being hurt than having the same number of friends, or family members, or any other emotional involvement?

I've been hurt badly by supposed friends. I've been hurt badly by family members. You don't see me saying "Be careful of having friends. They can turn on you"

Yes, friends can. Yes, family can. (And ok, so you can't choose your family of origin). But that doesn't make the idea of friendship something to be automatically avoided. Approached with appropriate caution, yes. With attention to warning signs, yes. With an appropriate amount of give and take, yes. But not avoided.

Is polyamory any different?

I feel exactly the same way about polyamory. Polyamory needs to be approached with a good dose of self-knowledge, with respect for the other people involved, with care and honesty, both to yourself and the others involved.

Many of these are quite hard for people to do if they're not used to them. Polyamory challenges many assumptions about how relationships work. Things that may be ok with a specific partner may need to be re-examined when you talk with another partner.

What kinds of communication do you need to keep the relationship strong? How do you balance the different interests of the people involved. How do you balance the fun stuff and the obligation stuff (work, housework, and so on?)

These are all skills which are quite useful in monogamous relationships, and in close friendships. It's not like these skills are *only* needed in polyamorous relationships. Self-knowledge and an understanding of what your needs and wants are is helpful in general - in all kinds of relationships, in your work life, and so on. Learning balancing skills is always handy, as is an ability to manage your time.

It's not like these skills exist in a vacumn, or that they're only handed out to people who sucessfully manage to have poly relationships. They're things pretty much anyone who really wants to can learn (at least to a reasonable degree, or to the point that they can find methods that achieve the same goals for them), and they can be learned at any time.

So what does this mean?

There are lots of be carefuls. These are just some. But you can prepare yourself for them.

How can you prepare?

There are plenty of resources out there about polyamory. There are plenty of resources out there about monogamy. (And there are monogamous people who hang out in some of the places that discuss polyamory, because they find the kinds of discussions that take place very illuminating for their own lives.)

Now, I've heard some horror stories about monogamous marriages. Couples who never talked about how to deal with finances. Couples who never discussed whether they wanted to have kids. Couples who kept secrets from each other. Couples who refused to allow partners to change from what they married. And that's leaving out the experiences with outright abusive behavior.

And you know why that doesn't work? People aren't thinking about their relationships. They just jump in. The romance - the New Relationship Energy or Disney Chemicals (as sometimes referred to in various poly contexts) - is great, and somehow the serious stuff never gets talked about.

But if you'd never get involved with someone without those discussions, then exactly the same thing needs to happen if you explore a new relationship style. You need to do some reading. You need to spend a lot of time figuring out what works for you and what doesn't.

There are lots of different discussion groups about polyamory. Don't recreate the wheel.

Make use of the resources that are out there. Listen if people pick up on something that causes you concern. Ask for help evaluating something that puzzles or bothers you. Chances are, on the groups I'm familiar with, that you'll get some good input and a variety of advice (ok, and possibly some poor input as well. But you get the idea.)

Most of the time, the people who have the most spectacular failures, and the people who are most bitter and agressive about their bitterness are also the ones who seem to have the least contact with these discussion groups and other people who do poly beyond their own limited circle of friends.

Polyamory is not an adjective. One practices or does polyamory. One is polyamorous. One has polyamorous relationships. The first is a noun. The second two are adjectives.

Often, I'll see people who have had spectacular blowups who just don't use the vocabulary involved in ways that are consistent with the major discussion groups.

They'll use the word 'triad' to express what is commonly called a V relationship (triads within the variety of groups I'm familar with indicate an equivalent emotional tie between all three parties, if not a physical one. A V relationship is where one party has strong ties to two others, but those two may not be very emotionally close to each other. There's nothing wrong with either one - but they *are* different, and the dynamics are a bit different.)

This seems like a minor issue - but it's a symptom of the 'recreating the wheel' problem. Seriously, don't waste your energy doing that. At least see what other people do and how it works for them before you try.

So. How to avoid some problems?

Don't cut yourself off from resources. There's a wide variety available, and I'm familiar with a number of them (Ask me for recommendations, and my experiences. I'm glad to talk about them and my perceptions about the differences between groups).

Make use of the resources (after getting a feel for the group) and ask about things that don't feel quite right to you, or that you're having trouble dealing with. Get the input of people who don't know you, or your situation in detail, and who can tell you when something sounds problematic - and better yet, what they did in a similar situation.

Don't rush. If you wouldn't make a lifelong commitment to your spouse in six months, don't do it to a new partner. Take your time. Take small steps. You've got time. If someone insists on rushing, be careful.

Talk through all the details from finances to medical issues, to how to manage time, to interests. Make sure to have fun in there, but don't put off the details just to have fun.

Go slow. If you're adjusting to the idea of polyamory, it's a *lot* easier if both parts of a couple are ready for it before you go any further. Otherwise, allow your partner at least as long as it took you to feel comfortable to get comfortable themselves.

If it took you a year, let them have a year. Talking about it in the meantime is fine, but don't do anything about acting on it until they're either comfortable, or you've come to an alternative agreement (separation, them coping with being somewhat uncomfortable, or whatever).

Figure out both what your boundaries are, and what you'll do if you find a new one. Probably the most important factor in the success of my current relationships is that I've finally figured out how to say "Wait, something's weird." to my partners, and how to talk about that in a way that gets the issue into the open. My personal code is that if there's something I don't want to talk about with my partners, I should probably be talking to them about it.

If you suspect someone of game-playing, or there's something else that seems wrong to you (they say one thing, do another) don't make any more commitments until and unless you sort it out. The beauty of non-conventional relationship styles that you get to do what's right for you. You don't need to tie yourself to a societal script. If things are going too fast, or something seems wrong, then stop, and re-evaluate. If you need help doing that, make use of other resources.

Use your brain.

Trust your instincts.

Don't let the happy new-relationship carbonating hormones overtake your common sense.

All good advice for making any kind of relationship work. Why not apply it to all of them?

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Written and posted: August 1, 2001
Lightly edited and last updated: April 17, 2004
gleewood@gleewood.org

Copyright 2001, 2004