A guide to how to make online discussion groups work for youThe following is a brief essay on some basic ideas on how to get involved in a good discussion group for your purposes, and how to communicate comfortably with such a group. The information below is not the absolute answer, but is drawn from my more than seven years of experience on Usenet, email lists, and other discussion fora.
The following topics are ranked in approximate chronological order, rather than by any sense of importance.
1) Choose your discussion group thoughtfully.
There are so many discussion groups out there that there's probably some whose style fits you substantially better than others. For example, among the main international polyamory discussion groups of various kinds, there are several different styles of discussion. Some groups are more prone to analytical discussion; some focus more on the emotional benefits of being open to love. Some are more prone to off-topic discussions (even if they're intriguing) than others.
There's no reason to spend your time on a group that isn't what you want, or that persistently irritates you. You might find it worthwhile to lurk (see point 3) on several groups for a few weeks, and see which one(s) feel most comfortable to you. There's usually no need to rush into finding a group that suits you well, and it's worth taking time to get right.
Once you find several suitable groups, subscribe to them. Expect that you'll probably like some better than others. You should find subscription information along with the other information on the group for email groups, and you use your newsreader program to subscribe to newsgroup messages.
Some email groups require an email request, sometimes with specific information like an introduction and an explanation of why you want to join the group to join. Asking for an intro is fine, but if they ask for real life contact information (real name, address, phone number) without an *excellent* reason, be suspicious. For web discussion boards, you may wish to register so that the board can keep track of which messages you've read and haven't read.
2) Take a few minutes to set things up so it's easier for you to read the discussion group.
Most email programs now have filters, so that you can filter messages from a specific address or containing a specific word into their own folder. This makes it a *lot* easier to read through email lists.
I sort my email into folders by using either the list's address (it's usually either the 'from' or 'reply-to' field in the email) or by using the list keyword that's attached to the subject of list messages. Many
lists have the latter, and it really does make it easy to sort on. I read my email sorted by date, so it comes up in chronological order. For newsgroups, I group by subject.
You may need to play around with your settings for a few days until you get things the way you want, but it's worth the effort.
3) Lurk for a while. See what it's like.
You can start the process by looking for groups that seem like likely possibilities. Then, you want to 'lurk' there for a while, and see what they're like.
Lurking is just a term for 'reading without posting'. It's usually not a good idea to jump right into posting in a brand new group without getting a feel for it. Lurking gives you a chance to find out how the group interacts, whether there are any consistent troublemakers or naysayers, whether you're likely to get the kind of input you want, and if there are any special words used in that group that you might need to understand.
It's a good idea to either lurk, or to read back archives of messages for a total of 2-4 weeks before posting. (I.e. read back 2-4 weeks in the archives, or read the group for that long) Why this long? Well, it's the best way to get a good feel for the group, the kinds of responses questions will get. It's also the best way to learn how that group works, and what to avoid if you want to fit into the conversation quickly and painlessly.
You should also read any guidelines (for mailing lists) or FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions documents) for the group before posting - it might answer some of your questions or concerns. There's nothing that says you can't ask about questions addressed in the FAQ, but if you haven't read it, you'll probably get lots of suggestions to go read it anyway.
It's a good idea when lurking to take a look at each discussion topic, even if you don't read it in detail. This will give you a broad overview of all the things that come up, and how they're approached. If you only read discussions you're specifically interested in, you won't get as good a feel for the group. After you get that feel, you can just read what you personally find interesting and useful.
4) Lurk intelligently. What should you look for while lurking?
One thing to look at is the kinds of experience that the people on a given group have. Are they trying to reach goals similar to yours? Is there a variety of experience levels? People who've been doing whatever the topic of the group is for years or decades as well as people new to the subject?
There's nothing wrong with a group including inexperienced people (and that's a good thing, since it brings in new people), but if *everyone* in the group is new to what the group's talking about, then it's hard to get much meaningful advice. Likewise, you want a group that is reasonably accepting of newcomers.
Don't be too put off by in-jokes or internal jargon or terms - many social discussion groups develop these. If you read for a little, you should be able to figure it out, or you can ask about it. However, there's a difference between in-jokes and no existing posters replying to new posters, for example.
You want to look at the kind of discussions that go on. Are requests for advice generally treated respectfully? Do people who ask for advice or thoughts seem to get responses that might be helpful? Are discussions in general cordial - do people explain reasonably clearly why something bothers them, or if they're offended by something before they blow up?
Or, do people overwhelming keep giving inappropriate responses (offering advice when someone's made it clear something isn't a problem they want to fix or suggesting things that the poster has already said can't be considered as options right now). Are there many posters who tell younger members of the group that they can't know what they're doing simply because they're younger even if those younger members may actually have logged more years doing whatever the group is talking about? Are there lots of posters who have very strong biases to the point of not being able to talk civilly about a subject? Are flames - negative personal attacks - the first line of response to someone who doesn't go along with the group party line?
Pretty much every group has a couple of people who might fall into the above categories, so don't write off a group if there's just a few people like that there. However, if it's a mainstream attitude for the group, and there aren't other people there who are helpful and forthright, it's probably not going to be as useful a group for you.
A good thing to check is looking to see what the general response to negative comments is. If it's a polite but firm "I disagree." or "I think that isn't fair to <person asking>" or "I think that maybe you're reacting to something that I'm not seeing? I didn't see that in the post, here's what I saw" , that's good. If it's supporting such statements, that's not a good sign.
You also want to pay attention to the tone of the conversation. Are people always apologizing effusively for the slightest possible misunderstanding? Is every other post scattered with "Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to disagree in the slightest..."
This is one that gets to me pretty quickly. There's nothing wrong with a little cordial (i.e. no one's calling names or making rude comments) disagreement, and it creates a healthy and thoughtful discussion environment. If everyone's agreeing, you're not going to see the fact that people's differences sometimes produce different results - and that's a good thing, and maybe that's just what you need to see to resolve your own concerns.
Finally, and most importantly, you want to see if they're talking about the kinds of things you want to talk about. If they're not, is it just because no one's asked about that recently? It might be worth skimming through archives and seeing if anyone's asked about that general subject. How was it treated? Or is that subject dismissed and ignored by most people?
5) Privacy issues and thoughts.
Before you make your first post to a new group, it's probably a good thing to think about what things you want to share with them. You should almost certainly *not* post a street address or your phone number as part of your information, for example. You may well wish not to use your full legal name.
In most places online, no one is going to care about this. (The exception are professional and business oriented groups, where real names and where people are working are useful networking information. Lurking on the group will let you know what the common practice is.) Your real name can be used to find your home address or phone number, particularly if you reveal the area you live in, or have an uncommon name.
Privacy issues also mean that you should also probably not post the address of a webpage which contains this information (such as a link to your business page, for example, if you have a home business) without carefully considering the situation. While it's not as risky as it might be, there are people who take online disagreements offline and harass people, and that isn't much fun. If you don't have a specific reason to make your address, full name, or phone number available, it's probably better not to.
You should check your email settings (for an email list) or your newsreader settings (for a newsgroup) before you post to the new group to make sure you're not revealing information you're not comfortable with. You can test your email by sending yourself a test email, and your Usenet settings by posting a message to the group alt.test.
It is also quite common for people not to refer to spouses, partners, family members, or friends by names. There are many reasons for this, but they mostly have to do with privacy - if you're talking about personal details (even not very private ones), most people would prefer that it's not completely obvious who you're talking about. You'll see things like DH (Dear Husband) or first initials used, often.
6) On names and pseudonyms:
You can either use a pseudonym, or you can just use your first name or a nickname. Lurking in a group for 2-4 weeks should give you an idea of whether there's another regular poster using that name. If you've got a common name (like, say, Jennifer) you might want to use a pseudonym or do something like "Jennifer in Minnesota" to distinguish yourself from other people named Jennifer.
It's an excellent idea to be *consistent* about what name you use, however, since seeking to use pseudonyms to make trouble or to get out of the consequences of conversations you get into is usually a bad thing. This is an honesty thing. The name doesn't matter much, but the consistent use of a known identity once you establish it in a group is important.
There are occasional exceptions - if you really need advice about a single specific issue without it being known who is asking, for example, you might post anonymously/pseudonymously. (Make sure you get rid of any unusually identifying phrasings or other details.)
When picking a pseudonym, if you use one, pick something that you can live with and that sound like someone interested in ongoing conversation. Names like HotChick and IKillYou or SexyBabeXXX aren't likely to inspire a lot of confidence in your desire for serious conversation, and you may have an unnecessary uphill struggle to be taken seriously. Likewise, including titles in your name or signoff can have the same effect (many people who *could* use titles on such discussion groups don't use them unless, again, they're a purely professional group). Take a look at the group and see what existing current practice is.
7) Put some thought into your first few posts in particular.
It's common practice to 'delurk' when you start posting. You can do this either before you post anything else, or if you just *have* to reply to something first, shortly thereafter.
A delurk is usually your introduction to the group. (Some email groups require that you post one, or ask for one as part of the request to join the group for closely controlled groups, which are then posted to the group. If that's the case, you don't need to post a delurk post.)
If it's a group that discusses a particular topic, it's useful to mention what brings you to the group, any past experiences, and any questions that are concerning you at the moment. With groups with a strong focus, and particularly a social one as well, revealing a little personal information can help people feel more comfortable talking with you.
This happens sometimes in the polyamory groups - someone who comes in, and never mentions *anything* about their personal relationships is harder to talk to than someone who, while they might not talk about them a lot, at least mentions them as part of examples or other discussion. It's a lot easier to interact fluidly with someone who shares a little bit about themselves. There are also situations of people using groups for academic research, news article research, and so on, which can make people a little wary of those who post but who don't share at all about their own experiences.
Now, this doesn't mean that you need to share *everything* about yourself. But if the discussion list topic is religion, you might share about your religious beliefs briefly. If it's relationships, then say a little about your current ones, or recent past ones, or where you'd like to be. Things like that.
It's also good for your first few posts to be related to the topic of the group, even if there's a fair bit of social chat going on as well. If you want to respond to the social chat, try making a point of offering an opinion on an on-topic question as well for each time you post a chatty post.
8) Consider your writing style:
In general, you want to treat the other people you are talking to as conversational equals (don't talk down to them), respect their choices (which you probably don't know much about anyway), and to make it easy for other people to understand you.
You can read more about this elsewhere on this site, in my article called "Thoughts on Online Writing Style" so I'm not going to talk about it further here.
9) If the conversation ends up only involving a very few people, and is off topic for the group, consider taking it to email.
This is just good practice. If the discussion is on topic, it's fine to leave it on the group, even if it's only being discussed by a few people.
If it's off-topic, email is a good place for further discussion. Likewise, it's usually considered ok on most groups (there are some exceptions) to send private email to people to offer suggestions you don't want to make publicly, or which involve information that you don't want to broadcast to just anyone who might be reading.
If you're not sure if someone would be all right with this, few people will object to a brief private email or a message in the discussion itself saying "I'd like to talk to you about this further, but I'm not comfortable continuing it publicly - can I email you?" or "I'd love to continue this, but it's off-topic - can we take it to email?"
10) But everyone's said what I wanted to say!
There's two ways to look at this:
If the group deals with substantially factual discussion, or that question does, then maybe you don't need to reply. After all, there are only so many times that the poster needs to be told that Boston is in Massachusetts.
However, if the group discusses personal experiences or opinions, it's generally great if you go ahead and share. Maybe your experience is just like someone else's. Maybe you saying so will make them feel less alone. Maybe it will remind people that that experience is possible, and should be taken into consideration. Maybe you'll find other people who share your experiences. All of these things are good, so if you want to share your experience, even if someone's already said most of the same things, go ahead and say it.
11) A question of timing
Not everyone reads their email or Usenet every day. Even people who do might not read every message in every group, or might be on vacation or sick. It's generally perfectly fine to reply a day or three later to a message.
Likewise, if you post something, you should expect that it may take people a few days (2-5, usually seems to work) to reply if they're going to. If you don't get *any* replies in that time, you might try reposing your question in a new thread, with a request for responses.
However, you should be careful if you're answering something that's more than about a week old. For most people, they will have deleted the previous message, it will have scrolled out of easy access, or otherwise be unavailable. If this is the case, make sure you quote enough material to be certain your response can be understood.
If the message is more than two weeks old, check to see if you *really* need to reply (if it's a general discussion topic, replying is probably ok. If it's time-sensitive, maybe you don't really need to). At any rate, adding a "I'm sorry, I didn't see this until now..." note is usually handy. You should also check if the rest of the discussion got unusually heated. It's usually best *not* to stir up such discussions if things have calmed down, at least for a little, and it rarely is very productive. If you feel you need to, then do acknowledge it, so that people tired out by the last round of discussion can skip over it easily.
Summary:
1) Choose your discussion group thoughtfully
2) Set up your programs to make the group easy to read
3) Lurk for a while
4) Lurk intelligently
5) Consider privacy issues.
6) Choose a name to be known by thoughtfully.
7) Be particularly careful with your first few posts.
8) Consider your writing style.
9) Take it to email if you need to.
10) Don't be afraid to speak out - even if someone's already said what you were going to say.
11) Consider timing.
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Last updated: September 9, 2001
gleewood@gleewood.org